Please God, A Baby.

I have been waiting for Jon's permission to spill it

After 14 months is appears we have...unexplained infertility. After taking a boatload of fertility drugs and shots over the past 12 months, tests, etc. There is nothing wrong with either one of us at this point. The drugs fix me so there is really no explanation now. Even 2 failed assisted procedures. I pray, and pray, and pray. My prayer changes, it used to be to send me a new baby, but sometimes lately it has been for God to please bring me peace if this is the way he really wants it to be. It is often a prayer to help me to not be jealous of others, to be thankful for what I have, to remember I don't know the struggles of others, or to just plain help me. Help me to not cry every time I see am obviously pregnant 14 year old in Target, a woman on the news that starved her child or a pregnant woman on Cops who is pissed because she is getting arrested because the cops found her crack pipe stuffed in her bra. A prayer to get me to the school bathroom, stairwell or closet before I start bawling-again. A prayer not to smack the woman standing next to me when she complains about not liking the month her baby is due, or how much of an inconvenience this "kid" will be. A prayer to not want to strangle those Duggar people. I often think maybe he is teaching me a lesson, teaching me that jealousy and envy is wrong, or maybe he is mad at me, for my inability to be a better person.

Also, Jon if you are reading this- I often pray that I can cut you some slack. I pray to thank God that you haven't lost your mind with me just yet. Especially on the days where this is all I talk about or the days when I cry at random, often.

You know, when I lost our first baby I can't describe how crushed we were. God answered my prayers then, and I have faith he will again. I am just having so much trouble dealing with it now. I fear that this is the way it is supposed to be, so I won't be able to change it. My problem is that I believe that if I don't worry about something, then God will think it is not important to me or he will think I don't care. Case in point-any time Jon flies anywhere, I worry the whole time because I feel like if I don't, God will think I take it for granted that he will be ok. I know my problem may seem like nothing compared to the infertility of others, but I subscribe to this thought. I only know the seriousness of the problems I have experienced. This is just about the biggest thing I have ever experienced so it seems like the world to me.

So here is one of my prayers. I actually have two written down in a notebook, I read one of them when I am angry, envious, sad, mad, blue, annoyed, irritated, miserable, hurt, crushed, jealous, forgotten, anxious or often- defeated.

Dear God,

Thank you for my wonderful family, good job and warm home. Thank you for sending me the best husband and dad for Ella. Thank you for my precious baby. Help me to not be jealous. Help me to cut my husband some slack and help him to understand the despair I sometimes-strike that- often feel. Help me when he doesn't understand. Help this to not consume me, to override my mind. I pray for the friends I have made in the struggle-online, at work and those that share the struggle but it is unknown to me. I pray to thank you for giving me such an understaning principal, one that will pray for me-no questions asked. One that doesn't bat an eyelash when I ask for yet more time off to visit the hospital again. Thank you for a supportive family. I pray that one day I can feel the little hiccups and kicks of another baby. I also pray for Tina, who just found out she is losing the baby it took her over a year to conceive.

In Jesus name I pray, Amen.